Pour-Howzers Suspected of Appearing on Mitchell Report
Washington Post
By, Michael Wilbon
November 28, 2007

The turbulent off-season for the Pour-House Pour Howzers continues with word that when the Mitchell report on illegal performance enhancers is released, two Pour-Howzers will be featured prominently on the list.

Despite denying use of human growth hormone as well as the so-called "cream" and "clear" for years, beloved super-star Matt "Wiggy" Wiggins' name keeps coming up in connection with the Mitchell report.

"Oh yeah, I mean I hate to say it, but I used to see Wigs take that stuff every week," says former Pour-Howzers pitcher Sarah Birnie. "Yeah, he would ask Matty to inject him in the ass over by the FDR memorial, I looked away because of the pressure to keep quiet by management, but I never felt right about it."

Wiggins could not be reached for comment, however representatives for the star short stop have maintained for years that his "B" sample was tainted in a lab and any positive findings must be discarded due to the mis-handling of the sample.

The other Pour Howzer suspected of being mentioned in the report is outfielder Chris "Cal" Callanan. Sources have indicated Cal ran into some trouble with a gambling habit and was forced to take the illegal performance enhancers in the hopes of settling some gambling debts.

Attempts to reach representatives for Callanan have been rejected.

"The Pour-Howzers cannot comment on these allegations until we see the Mitchell report and concrete evidence that our players have broken league rules," said GM and manager Justin Kolikof, "until such time we stand by all our players and ask our fans to do the same. This is America and you are innocent until proven guilty."

The Mitchell report is due out by the end of the year.